Giving Writers Helpful Feedback

Giving Writers Helpful Feedback

In recent weeks, we have received wonderful messages from our readers and listeners. These messages contain stories of happiness, sadness, and everything in between.

One message we received was from Shahjahan.

In this week's Everyday Grammar, we will use parts of Shahjahan’s message to teach about introductions, closing statements, and how to talk about family and education.

A message from Shahjahan

Here is part of the message.

Hi there,

This Is Shahjahan .... We are five brothers and three sisters among them I completed master degree in management in 2002 from National university in Bangladesh. ...When I was child, I had to face straggle with financially since father was poor/middle class farmer. My father had been passed away in June’2021. Now I have to bear my full family.

Thank you so much to give me this opportunity to tell about my life.

Introduction

Shahjahan’s introduction says:

Hi there,

This Is Shahjahan ....

We recommend changing “Hi there” to “Hello” or even “Hi.”

“Hi there” is a friendly way of speaking or writing, but it is informal and generally not used when writing to an unknown person for the first time.

In general, we say “This is + name” when we are talking on the phone or if we are introducing someone else.

Since this is a different situation, we recommend changing this line to: “My name is Shahjahan.”

So, the introduction could be:

Hello,

My name is Shajahan.

Family and education

Let’s listen again to a few more lines from Shahjahan:

We are five brothers and three sisters among them I completed master degree in management in 2002 from National university in Bangladesh.

We recommend breaking apart the sentence because it contains several ideas. It describes Shahjahan’s family and also his studies. One way to make this information clearer is to discuss family in one sentence and education in another sentence. The sentence about family could use the structure “I have,” as in

I have four brothers and three sisters.

The next sentence could describe Shahjahan’s education:

In 2002, I received a master’s degree in management from National University in Bangladesh.

Shahjahan then gives a little more information about his childhood:

When I was child, I had to face straggle with financially since father was poor/middle class farmer. My father had been passed away in June’2021. Now I have to bear my full family.

We recommend using the simple past verb form in these situations: “faced financial struggles” and “my father passed away.”

In the first example, you might use the simple past “I faced financial struggles” because it was a regular, repeated event in the past. In the second example, you could say “my father passed away” because it was an event that took place at a single point in time.

In addition, we recommend simply using the term “poor” instead of “poor/middle class.” This is because people usually link financial struggles with the term “poor.”

The final sentence uses the verb “bear,” but we recommend using the expression “take care of.”

So, Shahjahan’s sentence could be updated to something like this:

When I was a child, I faced financial struggles because my father was a poor farmer. My father passed away in June 2021. Now I take care of my whole family.

Shahjahan ended his message on a kind note:

Thank you so much to give me this opportunity to tell about my life.

We recommend replacing the word “to” with “for” and “give” with “giving.”

The statement could be this:

Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to tell about my life.

Now, here is Shajahan’s message updated with our recommendations:

Hello, my name is Shahjahan…I have four brothers and three sisters. In 2002, I received a master’s degree in management from National University in Bangladesh…When I was a child, I faced financial struggles because my father was a poor farmer. My father passed away in June 2021. Now I take care of my whole family.

Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to tell about my life.

Closing Thoughts

We wish Shahjahan continued success in his English studies and in his career.

We hope that all of our readers and listeners gained something from our feedback as well.

If you would like your writing to receive feedback or suggestions, write us a short story (four to five sentences) about your life, your studies, or your interests. We will choose one piece of writing and give detailed suggestions in a future report.

I’m John Russell.

John Russell wrote this lesson for VOA Learning English.

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Words in This Story

management – n. the act of managing : the conducting or supervising of something

informal – adj. appropriate to ordinary, casual, or familiar use

career –n. a job or profession that someone does for a long time

feedback – n. the transmission of corrective information